Mind Over Matter

I'm back.
Sunday, February 5, 2017

My last entry was posted on 24th of October, 2014 which was about two years ago. I've been wanting to start blogging again, yet i don't know how to start until now. Here I'am. Typing. For my fifth entry. And I'am so awkward.

There are too many stories that I wanna let everything written in here, yet they are too many and I might lost count each of them. And because of that, i feel a bit regret for stopping blogging. Ugh, I've missed so many things here.

(Sorry if there are I and i here and there. I try to type constantly in capital letter but nedkehiejfco)

The moment when this entry is written, I already am a twenty-year-old young lad. I'm taking diploma in Electrical Engineering in UTHM (Hahahahah you should know how I hated UTHM back then because it is just two km away from my house) I'm already in my second year and have registered for my second semester which is about to start in a week time. See? How time flies :')

I'll probably write details about my study journey. The bitter-sweet journey that ive been through. And maybe if Allah gives me rezeki and i graduate my diploma with Anugerah Naib Cancelor, hehe insha Allah. Amin.

I am dating someone now.

Haha. Yes, i know it sounds unbelievable. Me myself is also unsure about this. How it started, how was it, and how deep is the feeling that we are having right now. Oh! By the way, it has been eight months tho. Haha. This is so 'wow' right?

One thing I am really sure about this is, this relationship that i am currently in right now, is totally not the same as what i've had before. Before this, I was committing in a long-distance relationship. But now, we are almost together 24/7. He's my classmate. So, i guess that is enough to tell how close we can get. We can meet anytime we want, since he stays at just few steps from my place. Haha. Okay ya i know right.

And because of that, it makes me as a clingy girlfriend that nobody can ever imagine. I don't know. Sometimes, I found it normal and the other time i found it super abnormal. Ye lah kan normal la girlfriend mana tak nak attention dari diorang punya significant other kan? The thing is, we oftenly fought because of the same thing. Which is, aku terasa sebab dia selalu tak ada time aku nak dia. I know, maybe he did try his best to make time for me.

We discussed about this few times already yet things will still remain the same. Every time this happens, aku rasa nak give up sebab it happened for too many times tau. It makes me feel like stopping everything. Tapi, sebenarnya aku sedar yang aku sebenarnya tak boleh pun buat semua tu. The feeling of wanting him is actually becoming more and more. It keeps growing sampai satu tahap aku rasa the more i said no, the deeper the feeling is going to be. And it sucks. It really is.

I tried to tell him, what was the actually problem behind this. I only want him at certain time. I only want to be spoiled with morning calls. I only want to feel needed. I really want to feel that I am actually important in someone's life. Tell me stories, tell me about your day. Tapi entah la.. aku pun tak tahu kenapa. Salah aku ke semua ni?

It is like, the closer we get, the further we become. We are on our semester break which last for a month. So, he's currently at his place, which is one and a half hour away from my place. And time like this, it really challenges me. I've tried my best to not be like this every time it happened. I tried to busy myself so that I would not think of you 24/7. Tapi entah lah..

After twenty thousand times of trying, and I finally find that I really need to stop. Stop wanting him because he would never be there. I believe that, if he really wants it, he will definitly go for it and he would know how to priorities things. If he doesn't see me as his priority, then why should I? It hurts me. So much :'( Selalu aku tertanya-tanya, kenapa ya awak? Kenapa awak macam ni? :(

It is already 12.56 a.m. and I think I should stop here. I have so many thoughts to tell, but maybe next time.

Bye qila!